Fitting in the Love

When I started my posts about my past I didn't expect the response I received. I knew other people had trouble. I made friends in high school with some of the kids whom were also bullied. I guess it was our common ground. I did find that it did not prevent us from bulling each other. Now I can't say that I can recall purposely making some one feel bad about themselves, but I may have. If I did it to you and you are reading please know it was never intentional. I NEVER wanted anyone to feel the way I felt. No one should go home and cry everyday. It just is not right. I can recall my mom crying, because as a mom you never want to see your babies hurt. I can't begin to explain how good it felt to let out the truth. All this started because I have sat for months dwelling on the fact of all the bullies that I had in my life, ONE took the time 15 years later to say sorry. She had the courage to "man up." Not all my bullies were female, I had plenty of male bullies too,

So I wish to continue my thoughts from yesterday. See Bullying is a topic I have always been sensitive to. You see I can recall being told I was not being bullied. I remember being told I just needed "thicker skin." How is tearing someone apart supposed to give them "thicker skin?" I was "an easy target," or so I was told. I needed to "not make myself such a big target." I'm sorry but I don't know how I ever made myself a target. I know I can't be the only person whom ever had that thought. Yet one person could rally 20 other "kids" to make one person feel so bad. I will say I am thankful I grew up when I did. If my bullies had the access to the internet today's bullies do, not so sure I would be in the same place I am today. I have decided I would always be honest here. I live in fear. I fear what kind of impressions I make. Making friends as an adult is not easy. I admit I have a guard up, yet I am always almost "

So a couple of months ago on Facebook I had a message from someone I went to middle school/high school with. We hung in the same circle of friends. We however we never really that close, always keeping each other at arms length. I can say she was more of my "bully" than friend. In this message she told me she was sorry. She realizes that her actions and words were harmful to me. She told me that what she did and said all those years ago were not the actions of a Christian that she thought she was. I cried, why, probably because it was the first time in over 15 years someone said they were sorry and meant it. I'm not perfect, I would be crazy to say I was. I come with battle scars. How I view myself is a result of YEARS of being bullied. I don't think I have even talked about how much it still effects my everyday life with my amazing husband. My self esteem is lacking, I have never felt pretty, I think I will always feel fat. This is damage that was done over YEARS of