I Survived
So a couple of months ago on Facebook I had a message from someone I went to middle school/high school with. We hung in the same circle of friends. We however we never really that close, always keeping each other at arms length. I can say she was more of my "bully" than friend. In this message she told me she was sorry. She realizes that her actions and words were harmful to me. She told me that what she did and said all those years ago were not the actions of a Christian that she thought she was. I cried, why, probably because it was the first time in over 15 years someone said they were sorry and meant it.
I'm not perfect, I would be crazy to say I was. I come with battle scars. How I view myself is a result of YEARS of being bullied. I don't think I have even talked about how much it still effects my everyday life with my amazing husband. My self esteem is lacking, I have never felt pretty, I think I will always feel fat. This is damage that was done over YEARS of torment and I try to erase a little bit every day. It is not easy.
I loved school as a kid, it was not for the friends that I loved it. I mean who wants to go to school KNOWING they will not eat lunch that day because it will be stolen out of your locker (which was always locked, I never left my lock off). Who wants to know that between certain classes you will return to find a loogie on their lock, having to get someone else's spit off your lock before you can get into your locker, and oh by the way is on backwards, which you did not do. The people in lockers near you look and laugh at the misery you are going through. I loved school for the learning, I had friends but they always seemed closer to others. There were times when I did not have any friends at all for even those I thought were friends would get a kick out of the "jokes" played on me.
I remember a time between classes when a class mate attempted to set my hair on fire. This was funny to everyone but me. I was scared. I worried my mom with the stories I brought home. All these things were done out of the eyes of teachers, whom never believed these things were happening to me. I went through all these things yet I am still here. There were moments when I didn't want to be here. Yet I choose to reach out and tell people. I was often seen as crazy.
As a mom now I am already talking to my kids about bullies due to my experiences. My oldest is 6.5 and only in the 1st grade. She has a heart of gold. She is always sure to make sure no one is left out. I love that about her. I have however told her that she can't sit idly by and let others bully her friends. I have told her to tell a teacher. I know I have friends who didn't think it was a big deal, but I never told my friends everything I went through. This subject has been weighing heavy on my heart lately so I had to get it out. I hope that other's can relate. I want people to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may feel difficult and there will be scars, living however becomes easier.
I'm not perfect, I would be crazy to say I was. I come with battle scars. How I view myself is a result of YEARS of being bullied. I don't think I have even talked about how much it still effects my everyday life with my amazing husband. My self esteem is lacking, I have never felt pretty, I think I will always feel fat. This is damage that was done over YEARS of torment and I try to erase a little bit every day. It is not easy.
I loved school as a kid, it was not for the friends that I loved it. I mean who wants to go to school KNOWING they will not eat lunch that day because it will be stolen out of your locker (which was always locked, I never left my lock off). Who wants to know that between certain classes you will return to find a loogie on their lock, having to get someone else's spit off your lock before you can get into your locker, and oh by the way is on backwards, which you did not do. The people in lockers near you look and laugh at the misery you are going through. I loved school for the learning, I had friends but they always seemed closer to others. There were times when I did not have any friends at all for even those I thought were friends would get a kick out of the "jokes" played on me.
I remember a time between classes when a class mate attempted to set my hair on fire. This was funny to everyone but me. I was scared. I worried my mom with the stories I brought home. All these things were done out of the eyes of teachers, whom never believed these things were happening to me. I went through all these things yet I am still here. There were moments when I didn't want to be here. Yet I choose to reach out and tell people. I was often seen as crazy.
As a mom now I am already talking to my kids about bullies due to my experiences. My oldest is 6.5 and only in the 1st grade. She has a heart of gold. She is always sure to make sure no one is left out. I love that about her. I have however told her that she can't sit idly by and let others bully her friends. I have told her to tell a teacher. I know I have friends who didn't think it was a big deal, but I never told my friends everything I went through. This subject has been weighing heavy on my heart lately so I had to get it out. I hope that other's can relate. I want people to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may feel difficult and there will be scars, living however becomes easier.
awww this got me....i never would have imagined. well i mean i know i dont know you that well..... the past hurts. simple as that. but i like your title cuz you are right, youre a survivor.
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